05
白流蘇在她母親床前淒淒涼涼跪著，聽見了這話，把手裡的繡花鞋幫子緊緊按在心口上，戳在鞋上的一枚針，扎了手也不覺得疼。
Bai Liusu was kneeling forlornly by her mother's bed. When she heard these words, she crushed the embroidered slipper against her chest. The needle that was stuck in the slipper pierced her hand, but she didn't feel any pain.
小聲道：「這屋子裡可住不得了！…… 住不得了！」她的聲音灰暗而輕飄，像斷斷續續的塵灰吊子。她仿佛做夢似的，滿頭滿臉都掛著塵灰吊子，迷迷糊糊向前一撲，自己以為是枕住了她母親的膝蓋，嗚嗚咽咽哭了起來道：「媽，媽，你老人家給我做主！」
「I can't live in this house any longer,」 she whispered. 「I just can't!」Her voice was faint and floating, like a trailing tendril of dust. She felt as if she were dreaming, tendrils streaming from her face and head. Falling forward in a daze, she thought she was clasping her mother's knees, and she started sobbing aloud. 「Mother, Mother, please help me!」
她母親呆著臉，笑嘻嘻的不作聲。她摟住她母親的腿，使勁搖撼著，哭道：「媽！媽！」
Her mother's face remained blank as she smiled on without saying a word. Wrapping her arms around her mother's legs, Liusu shook her violently and cried, 「Mother! Mother!」
恍惚又是多年前，她還只十來歲的時候，看了戲出來，在傾盆大雨中和家裡人擠散了。她獨自站在人行道上，瞪著眼看人，人也瞪著眼看她，隔著雨淋淋的車窗，隔著一層層無形的玻璃罩——無數的陌生人。人人都關在他們自己的小世界裡，她撞破了頭也撞不進去，她似乎是魘住了。忽然聽見背後有腳步聲，猜著是她母親來了。便竭力定了一定神，不言語。她所祈求的母親與她真正的母親根本是兩個人。
In her daze, it was many years before: she was about ten years old, coming out of a theater, and in the middle of a torrential downpour she was separated from her family. She stood alone on the sidewalk staring at people, the people staring back at her, and beyond the dripping bus windows, on the other side of those blank glass shields, were strangers, an endless number of them, all locked inside their own little worlds, against which she could slam her head till it split—and still she'd never manage to break through. It seemed that she was trapped in a nightmare. Suddenly she heard the sound of footsteps behind her, and guessed that her mother had returned. With a fierce effort she steadied herself, not saying anything. The mother she was praying to and the mother she really had were two different people.
那人走到床前坐下了，一開口，卻是徐太太的聲音。徐太太勸道：「六小姐，別傷心了，起來，起來，大熱的天……」
Someone walked over to the bed and sat down, but when she spoke, it was in Mrs. Xu's voice. Mrs. Xu chided her, 「Sixth Young Lady, don't be upset. Get up, get up, the weather is so hot...」
流蘇撐著床勉強站了起來，道：「嬸子，我……我在這兒再也待不下去了。早就知道人家多嫌著我，就只差明說。今兒當面鑼，對面鼓，發過話了，我可沒有臉再住下去了！」
Bracing herself against the bed, Liusu struggled to her feet. 「Auntie,」 she said, 「I can't stay here in this house any longer. I've known for ages how much they resent me, even if they bite their tongues. But now that they've beat the drums, banged the gongs, and said it straight out, I've lost too much face to go on living here!」
徐太太扯她在床沿上一同坐下，悄悄的道：「你也太老實了，不怪人家欺侮你，你哥哥們把你的錢盤來盤去盤光了！就養活你一輩子也是應該的。」
Mrs. Xu made Liusu sit down with her on the edge of the bed. 「You're too good, no wonder people bully you,」 she said tenderly. 「Your older brothers played the market with your money until they'd spent it all! Even if they supported you for the rest of your life, it would only be right.」
流蘇難得聽見這幾句公道話，且不問她是真心還是假意，先就從心裡熱起來，淚如雨下，道：「誰叫我自己糊塗呢！就為了這幾個錢，害得我要走也走不開。」
Liusu rarely heard such a decent remark. Without pausing to weigh its sincerity, she let her heart well up and her tears rain down. 「Why was I such a fool? All because of that fuss over money, little bits of money, now I have no way out of here!」
徐太太道：「年紀輕輕的人，不怕沒有活路。」
Mrs. Xu said, 「Someone so young can always find a way to make a life.」
流蘇道：「有活路，我早走了！我又沒念過兩年書，肩不能挑，手不能提，我能做什麼事？」
「If there were a way, I'd be long gone! I haven't studied much, and I can't do manual labor, so what kind of job can I do?」
徐太太道：「找事，都是假的，還是找個人是真的。」
「Looking for a job won't get you anywhere. But looking for a somebody, that's the way to go.」
流蘇道：「那怕不行，我這一輩子早完了。」
「No, I don't think so. My life is over already.」
徐太太道：「這句話，只有有錢的人，不愁吃，不愁穿，才有資格說。沒錢的人，要完也完不了哇！你就剃了頭髮當姑子去，化個緣罷，也還是塵緣——離不了人！」
「That kind of talk is for the rich, for people who don't have to worry about food and clothing. People who don't have money can't just give up, even if they want to. Shave your head, become a nun, and when you beg for alms you'll still have to deal with people—you can't just leave the human race!」
流蘇低頭不語。徐太太道：「你這件事，早兩年託了我，又要好些。」
Liusu bowed her head. Mrs. Xu said, 「If you'd come to me about this a few years ago it would have been better.」
流蘇微微一笑道：「可不是，我已經二十八了。」
「Yes, that's right,」 said Liusu. 「I'm already twenty-eight.」
徐太太道：「放著你這樣好的人才，二十八也不算什麼，我替你留心著。說著我又要怪你了，離了婚七八年了，你早點兒拿定了主意，遠走高飛，少受多少氣！」
「For a person with your qualities, twenty-eight doesn't matter. I'll keep you in mind. But I really should scold you—you've been divorced for seven or eight years now. If only you'd made up your mind earlier, you could have set yourself free and saved yourself a lot of grief!」
流蘇道：「嬸子你又不是不知道，像我們這樣的家庭，哪兒肯放我們出去交際？倚仗著家裡人罷，別說他們根本不贊成，就是贊成了，我底下還有兩個妹妹沒出閣，三哥四哥的幾個女孩子也漸漸的長大了，張羅她們還來不及呢！還顧得到我？」
「Auntie, of course you know the situation. Would a family like mine ever let us go out and meet people? And I can't depend on them to find me a match. First of all, they don't approve, and even if they did, I have two younger sisters who are still unmarried, and then there are Third and Fourth Brothers' daughters, all growing up fast. They can't even manage for the younger ones. Why would they do anything for me?」